well, since i could remember, ive always been shy. the irony of all this is that both of my parents are the exact opposite. my mom being the type of person who is pretty much willing to do what she wants and is able to take the initiative. my dad is the kind of person who basically does what he wants, when he wants, talks to anyone he wants and whenever he wants. hell, even my younger sister is more outgoing than me. but for some reason, i cant.
recently, ive been hearing that i might have and likely have ocd and social anxiety. at 1st, i couldnt believe it. for 1, i think this would have been presented in the past 18 years of my life at some point. but after about a month or 2, i started noticing signs. shyness, unwillingness to do things, irrational fears and thoughts (ie: constant feeling of being watched or everyone staring at me as well as severe and debilitating rumination). and then i started noticing ocd symptoms. not all of them are present. for 1, i realized i couldnt cross anything without taking even numbers of steps, counting things such as lights (even when i was little), despite my constant disorganization, i have this insane urge to clean and be neat, i just cant physically do it for some reason and these strange and disturbing thoughts. thoughts i have almost every minute of the day. 3 in particular. 1st, im trying to sit on a fence, but for some reason, i can only jump over it. never getting in the middle of it and sitting. 2nd is my "soduko" dream. doesnt sound bad at 1st, but its me trying to figure out this massive puzzle in my head. its not bad, but when i do it, i forget where the pieces go so i endlessly rearrange the numbers so it will never be right. and to make matters worse, i cant stop until i actually get it right. te 3rd is new. i started playing this app called "cross fingers". its basically tangrams. i fill my mind with impossible or very complex puzzles that i cant figure out. again, not bad, but in my mind, i go through every possibility and nothing works so im constantly thinking about the puzzle.
now, i fully realize that i may totally be a hypochondriac and i can be fabricating all of this up because i have pre conceived notion that i have something. could be caused for many reason. i mean i may well say i have these things because i need an excuse for my shyness and the way that i do (usually unconventional). maybe i just want to feel special. but for whatever reason, i just want answers.
